How do I start?

8/01/2007
I have started and stopped this post in my head a million times. And I know that Ken will be upset if he finds out about it. I must though, I need to put this out to the universe. Right now I feel alone and I need to feel connected to someone anyone to give me strength right now. A little over a month ago it was determined that Ken had a tumor on his saliva gland. After a biopsy it was confirmed that the cells are abnormal and growing and that it needed to be removed. It couldnt be determined if it was for sure cancer but it looks that way. Friday he will have it removed.

I am scared beyond words. I have stayed as positive as possible since we found out but as we get to the day of surgery I am not dealing as well as I should. I am touched by the many friends of ours that have reached out to give us comfort. But what hurts is those who dont seem to care. That it is an everyday event and what's the big deal, as they go on with their lives. I dont expect them to stop their life completely for us but it would be nice to have a call or note of sincerity. To any of my family and friends reading this, you arent those I am talking about. Your love has meant the world to us. And are the reason I havent broken down sooner.

I am just one tiny person in a great big world so scare I am about to lose the best person I have ever had in my life. I am scared that I will be alone and Leila will lose the greatest man she has yet to really spend time with. I want to scream and shout that my shoulders are not this strong. I know in my heart in the deepest place that I am given only what I can handle and that it is my destiny and fate to walk the line I am. What doesnt kill me makes me stronger. Right now though I just want to get out my last good cry. To have a hug. And be reassured a thousand more times that everything is going to be alright.

7 Comments:

Cathy said...

I am so sorry you are going through this now. The thought of cancer is enough to scare most people. I really hope everything will be ok.

Mitch, Ang and Gaby said...

I've been reading your blog for a few weeks now, and this seemed like an appropriate time to offer support. I'm not sure how I'd have the strength to handle the situation you are going through; however, opening up and venting the way you did is the only way I know how to cope. You will find your shoulders can take more than you give them credit for right now, and I hope for you and your beautiful family that this is only a small bump in the long road you continue along together. I'll be sure to keep you in my thoughts.

Kelley BO said...

Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. The word "cancer", even in its smallest measurement or mention, is terrifying. Our thoughts, love and prayers will be with you guys. If you need ANYTHING, you call me.

amandajean said...

I hope that everything ends up ok. I can't imagine how scary it must be for you. hugs to you.

Katie Jean said...

oooh stef, I just want to give you a big hug right now! I will keep you guys in my thoughts and prayers. I hope all goes well with the surgery and that Ken continues to heal well. I know this must be so scary for you, but stay strong and positive and you will get through it!

Persimmons Gal said...

BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG HUG to you. I just cried a little for you and you will be in my thoughts. Sending good health vibes to your husband! Although it is really scary cancer research has come such a long way and it is not like it was years ago! I have a lot of friends who have had different types and are living healthy active lives now. Good luck!!! If you are in the area stop by so I can give you a real hug!

it's me, Val said...

Oh man, Stef. I never thought I'd read this :( I am just so incredibly sorry. I'm going to email you.

love,
Val

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